Goku's Talk
by Hakuryuu
Summary: After 500 years of life, Son Goku had never been given the talk about the birds and the bees... but Hakkai realizes it's high time for the monkey to be filled in on this little tidbit of life...


Goku's "Talk"  
"So the guy says, 'Picture this--I'm naked in a refrigerator!'" Gojyo said with a smirk, holding his cigarette between his teeth in the back of the Jeep. Hakkai, who sat at the driver's seat as usual, gave a light chuckle. An irritated Sanzo in the passenger seat grunted. Goku, however, sitting atop the back end of the vehicle, blinked, a puzzled look on his face. There were no clouds in the sky this day; the sun beat down on the sandy earth that this group of four traveled with just the right amount of warmth. The afternoon was just coming upon them, and after a morning of traveling, they were soon to arrive at the next town along their way.  
"Huh? I don't get it," He replied. "Sanzo, I don't get it!"  
"Not my problem," Mumbled the priest from in front of him.  
"Hey, Sanzo," Hakkai said in the direction of his blond-haired companion, eyes on the road still. "Have you ever... 'talked' with Goku?"  
"I talk to him all the time," He shrugged.  
"No, no. I mean... the actual 'talk'..."  
"If anyone should be giving Goku this 'talk', it should be me," added Gojyo, who leaned over Hakkai's seat with his face in between he and Sanzo. "I know the most on that subject, after all. Our little monk here is too pure for that." The blond whipped around in his seat and aimed his banishing gun straight for the water sprite's forehead.  
"I told you not to mention that ever again," He growled.  
"Now, now, Gojyo, I think it's admirable that he's saving himself," Hakkai said with a smile.  
"Shut UP, Hakkai!" Sanzo snarled, his face going red from all the yelling (or perhaps it was the embarrassment of the subject, to which he would never admit.) The monkey demon sat in the back seat scratching his head.  
"C'mon you guys! What are you talking about?!" He whimpered.  
"To be frank, Goku, our little priest here is a virgin!" Gojyo stated bluntly.  
"Virgin? What the hell's that?" Goku asked. Sanzo grumbled in the front seat, his flesh burning from rage.  
"Dammit, stupid monkey, hasn't anyone informed you of anything these past hundred years?"  
"I just don't get what you're talking about! Quit leavin' me out!" The monkey shouted at Gojyo. "Will you just tell me already!?!"  
"Ah, Sanzo, I think it's about time we explained some things to Goku," Hakkai said from the wheel. The priest shot a look at the brunette that pretty much said, "Are you f-ing serious?" While the red-haired man argued with his shorter comrade, Hakkai tried to convince Sanzo that it was high time Goku get "the talk."  
"I'm not doing it, Hakkai," He stated.  
"Oh, why not? Goku really looks up to you... like a father!"  
"I do not!" Came a shout from the back seat.  
"Don't ever say that again," Snapped Sanzo. The driver sighed.  
"We'll have to do something about this," He said. "Hey Goku, you and I will have a talk when we get to the next town," He said.  
"Are you finally gonna explain all this crap to me? The crap you guys talk about and don't tell me?" Goku asked, frustrated.  
"Yes, Goku," Hakkai answered, smiling (of course). Then under his breath, he added, "I don't know how though, hm..."  
"HAH!" Gojyo hollered. "THIS I've got to see."  
  
The four travelers arrived late at a restaurant in the next small town. The place was fairly crowded, bustling with business. They sat in a circle around their table in the corner, the perfect place for civilians to gawk and whisper about them. Gojyo sat back in his chair, a smoke hanging out of his mouth, as we all could have predicted. Sanzo was just cleaning up his bottle of vodka, Goku was still eating, and Hakkai was feeding a biscuit to Hakuryuu. When the dragon hopped off the brunette's shoulder to finish the bread, Hakkai decided it was time to try and explain the ways of life to his little buddy.  
"Well then, Goku," Hakkai started. "I think we should talk about... what I mentioned earlier."  
"Finally!" Goku yelled with a mouthful of rice spraying all over the table as he spoke.  
"What the hell! Shut your mouth, glutton!" Sanzo shouted, shielding himself from the food projectiles.  
"How're you gonna do that, Hakkai?" Gojyo asked with a smirk. Hakkai pulled two stuffed puppets from their bag of supplies.  
"I bought these in town earlier, I think a visual aid will be the best way to go," He smiled. One puppet was a furry brown fox, and the other was a soft white bunny. Gojyo took one look at the puppets, and burst out laughing, his cigarette shooting across the table to hit Sanzo in the forehead.  
"What the hell is this, spit shit at Sanzo day?" The monk shouted, flicking the cigarette back at Gojyo.  
"I know it looks funny," Hakkai explained to Gojyo. "But trust me, this is the best way. It's how the other kids in the orphanage taught me about life, back when I was younger."  
"Okay, Hakkai, so tell me already!" Goku said, shoving a roll in his mouth.  
"Here we go." Hakkai put both of the puppets on. He held up the fox puppet. "Okay, Goku, this puppet here, she's a pretty young fox--"  
"Hey, Hakkai, shouldn't that be the guy?" Gojyo interrupted.  
"Guy? I guess... it would work better... with the bunny being its counterpart, and all... okay then, this fox, he's a strong young male fox."  
  
"You've got to be kidding me..." Sanzo mumbled under his breath.  
"San-chan, you'd better be paying attention, too," Gojyo poked. The monk gave his "fellow" traveler a death glare.  
"And Miss Bunny here, she's a beautiful young lady bunny," Hakkai continued. He held both of the puppets up, facing each other. "Now, Mr. Fox, he likes Miss Bunny. They want to get married some day." Suddenly, the water sprite fell from his chair, rolling around on the floor in laughter. "Is there a problem, Gojyo?"  
"C'mon Hakkai! Be realistic! That's not how anyone hooks up!" Laughed the hysterical Gojyo, climbing back up to the table.  
"Hooks... up? What is THAT now? Is that what you call the shit Gojyo does!?" Goku shouted, frustrated.  
"Anyway," Hakkai said with a deep breath, to keep his composure. He made the fox puppet hop over to the bunny puppet. "Since they're getting married, they want to have a family. And there's a special way to go about getting a family--" More hysterical laughter from Gojyo. Hakkai, his cheeks red, then took off both of the puppets and set them down, one atop the other. "And that, Goku, is how it works." Goku looked from Hakkai, to the puppets, then back to Hakkai.  
"What are they doing?" He asked.  
"Hakkai, I don't think it works between different species like that," Sanzo chimed in.  
"I couldn't find two of the same puppet," The brunette sighed.  
"Are they fighting, Hakkai?" Goku asked, as he poked at the fox lying on top.  
"Uh, no, Goku, they're not fighting... this is where that word 'virgin' comes in--"  
"Well, Gojyo and I fight all the time! Does that mean I'm a virgin?" The water sprite smacked his forehead.  
"God, Hakkai! You just messed him up even more!"  
"Pardon me, I didn't mean to," He apologized.  
"Goku, Goku," Gojyo began, taking the monkey demon into a headlock. "You don't want to listen to Hakkai on something like this. I obviously have more experience and knowledge on the matter."  
"Knowledge? I don't know about that, Goj--"  
"So Goku," The red-haired man continued, ignoring Hakkai. "I'm going to teach you how it really works. It's not all cute and fuzzy like Hakkai made it seem." The priest raised an eyebrow. "It's going to ruin your innocence, boy, and it's about time!" Goku stared blankly. "C'mon man, let's walk."  
  
So Gojyo shoved Goku outside of the restaurant, and the two of them started down the street.  
"Now this is how it works. You know, you see a pretty girl hanging out at the bar. You have to make sure she has it where it counts. That's up top. You'll thank me for this later. Anyway, when you talk to her, you have to make sure to say a lot of smooth things, and make sure she thinks you're hot."  
"What kind of smooth things?" Goku asked, wondering what this had to do with the joke from earlier.  
"You know, smooth things like, 'Hey baby, somebody better call the police, 'cause the way you're lookin', it must be illegal!'" Goku smirked.  
"Wow, Gojyo, that was lame, even for you."  
"Shut up, stupid monkey!" He shouted. "You wouldn't believe how many times that's worked for me. You could also use things like, 'Hey baby, if I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put I next to U' or 'Hey, let's go do math at my house, we'll subtract the clothes, add the bed--'"  
"Gojyo, what the HELL does this have to do with that joke?" Goku said, his arms folded across his chest.  
"Okay, okay, well, if that doesn't work, just tell her you've been drafted. Make sure you wear a military uniform. That'll get 'em for sure. That's all I have to say about that." And with a smirk, he turned back towards the restaurant. "Man, all this talk about chicks makes me want a companion for tonight."  
  
When Goku got back to the restaurant, Sanzo and Hakkai still sat at their table. Most of the plates had just been cleared away.  
"So, did he clear everything up for you Goku?" Hakkai asked, smiling kindly.  
"Actually, I'm just more confused now," Goku sighed. "He said I should go... draft myself or something..."  
"Oh my," Hakkai replied.  
"That moron," Sanzo said under his breath. "The only way he's gonna get it is if we tell it to him straight. Goku," He grabbed the monkey demon by the collar and dragged him off into the corner. Then, he knelt down.  
"There's no way to beat around the bush here. We'll start with your first question." The monk paused, and Goku listened to him carefully, eyes nervous. "Virgin. Someone who's never had sex. Sex means reproduction. Gojyo does it all the time. All you need to know about sex." Sanzo pointed to Goku's pants. Goku seemed to understand what the monk was motioning towards, and his eyes widened. "Insert that into a girl. That's all. Repeat five or six times. Any other questions, ask Hakkai. I'm sure he has a book on that." Goku turned sheet white.  
"Insert... insert...!?"  
"Yes, insert, stupid. That." With that, the priest headed back to the table. Goku stood in the corner, eyes in shock.  
"So, how'd it go, Sanzo?" Asked Hakkai.  
"I think he got the point," Sanzo said as he sat down. Hakkai glanced over to the frozen Goku in the corner.  
"The poor guy... sure does look like he got it this time. That's how I looked when they told me." Hakkai smiled, remembering those good old days. After a few minutes, when Gojyo had come back inside and informed everyone he was staying at a local resident's house tonight, Goku sat back down at the table. The dessert had just arrived. The waiter set down a plate of cake in front of each of them.  
"Oh, Goku, you're back, would you like some dessert?" Hakkai asked.  
"Dessert? No thanks," He replied almost in an automated way, eyes still wide.  
"What...!?" Hakkai gasped. "No... dessert?"  
"I never thought I'd live to see the day..." Sanzo trailed off.  
"Holy shit, man!" Gojyo cried. "Sanzo, what'd you do to him?" When Goku glanced up at the water sprite, he suddenly pulled his eyes away, cringing. "What... what was that look, monkey?" The young brunette shuttered when he was looked upon.  
"I can't look at you, Gojyo, it's too embarassing!"  
"What the f--!!!" Gojyo couldn't even finish his sentence.  
"You're going off to. to. insert yourself somewhere tonight!" Goku cried out loud. "How can you. how can you DO that all the time! That's so.!!!" The water sprite glanced at the relaxed monk, who now sat with his eyes shut and arms folded.  
"Man, what did you tell him?" Inquired Gojyo "Did you make it sound like a BAD thing?"  
"I told him how it is," Sanzo replied bluntly.  
"But you don't know how it is, you damn gun-happy monk!"  
"Oh, so. Sanzo, you've never done that!" Goku deducted. "That means. you're a virgin, like me!" The monk smacked his own forehead, as Goku hopped over next to Sanzo, staring back suspiciously at Gojyo. He then glanced to Hakkai. "Hakkai, what about you?"  
"What about me? Ah, well. that is."  
"He's like me, Goku," Gojyo said, linking his arm around the brunette's shoulder. Hakkai instantly turned bright red, smiling nervously.  
"Hakkai..! You too..!!" Goku mumbled in disbelief. He suddenly turned away. "Aaaah, I can't look at you guys anymore!"  
"Oh, no, Goku! It's not a bad thing!" Hakkai stood up, trying to reason with the monkey. "It's very natural to-"  
"Ah, let it go, Hakkai," Gojyo barged in. "He'll get used to it after a day or two."  
  
And so, after staying the night at that particular town (and perhaps a one-night stand for Gojyo), the four set out at daybreak for the west. Goku, already, was his usual, meal-craving, energetic self. It seemed that he was now able to think about that "little part of life" as something not so gross and bad, in fact, it was just life.  
"Aahh, I'm so hungry!" He moaned from the back seat. "Hey, Hakkai, when's the next town coming up?"  
"Well, it might be a while this time, but I packed some snacks in the back you can help yourself to," The driver answered cheerfully, a smile across his face (and what else is new?).  
"So hey, Sanzo," Gojyo started, slumped back in his seat with a cigarette dangling from his lips. "I noticed you came back to your room early this morning, from another hotel. May I ask.where'd you go, eh?"  
"I didn't go anywhere, moron," Sanzo grumbled. "I couldn't sleep because I heard freakin' Goku snoring from all the way down the hall."  
"Are you sure you weren't out. practicing the things we learned from Hakkai's puppet show yesterday?" Gojyo snickered, instantly finding himself looking down the short barrel of a silver gun.  
"What was that?" The angry monk growled, the gun clicking once as if it were ready to be fired.  
"Hey, hey ,hey! I was just wondering why you abandoned us for a different hotel for a few hours last night! I don't think it was just for the food."  
"Food!?" Goku twirled around from the box in the trunk he had been digging into, a piece of fried chicken sticking out of his mouth. "What's going on?"  
"Nothing, stupid monkey!" The blond turned back around in his front seat, shutting his eyes and crossing his arms.  
"You heard it, he went to the other hotel without us!"  
  
"Sanzo!" Goku whined. "Were you eating without me over there?!"  
"In a matter of speaking," Gojyo started with a devious smile. A light chuckled escaped Hakkai, who promptly shut up after Gojyo was smacked from the moving vehicle with Sanzo's paper fan of death.  
"I suppose it's none of our business, Sanzo," Hakkai nervously stated as he spun the jeep to a stop so Gojyo could get back in.  
"That's right. and I didn't say stop driving," The monk growled, almost savagely, as he held the gun to Hakkai's head.  
"Oh, we wouldn't leave him here, now would we.?"  
"If I were behind the wheel, yes." The red-haired water sprite reluctantly climbed back into their source of transportation, and Hakkai stepped on the gas.  
"Wait, guys, I don't get it!" Goku pouted from the back.  
"Sanzo, shouldn't somebody explain-"  
"No," The monk cut Hakkai off instantly. "There's no point in explaining anything to him. You just drive now, Hakkai."  
"Ah, well. okay. To the west!" The driver said with an anxious smile.  
"Hey. Hakkai, you can't say that. It's my line," Sanzo insisted, as they drove off into the warm new day. 


End file.
